".. And how are Things going...?"
The all famous question, newly adoptive parents hear all too often.
We then feel the slight urge (which we control), to blast: "Don't you see the circles under my eyes, I haven't slept in weeks", and things like, "I'm at my wits end in all this!", but we gracefully announce "Things are well here, how are you?"
As newly adoptive parents we feel obligated to inform you that things are ‘going great’. After all, we are humbled that our Lord had allowed us to adopt, children are a blessing from Him, and yet, we feel overwhelmed, discouraged, drained, frustrated....you name it, we are it.
If we do inform you (which barely happens, remember, we're grateful), about our real state of condition, we could easily live without those comments like, "Yeah, they come with a lot of baggage", "You wanted it that way", "Oh, you'll be able to manage", to well meant practical advice as " Well, just force her to wear that jacket, shoes, eat that food, etc", and "Be understanding and give it time". HAH!
Don't get me wrong, this entry is not meant to be a discouragement for prospective adoptive parents who think about adopting an older child, and interestingly most adoptive parents of older children go through something very similar, and things do settle after a year or so.
But as for now, we're on week 5 and far from 'the year mark that makes everything better'. I found out so, that talking to other adoptive parents that are in the same boat, to be like oil to the soul.
I mean, really, who understand better than the one who had been there and done it, or is currently faced with he same issues as you are.
Venting to another adoptive Mom, who was just told by her newly daughter, that her food was disgusting, the hair 3 hour AA-style she gave her stupid, or the clothing not good enough, even could make you giggle at the end of your conversation. Knowing you’re not alone and your situation is not all awkward and singular, gives this new period of adjustment a new perspective.
When we adopted M+G a year and a half ago, I didn't dare to talk or vent to other Adoptive parents of older children. I felt my situation was bizarre enough and by nature, I’m not a complainer.
Shame on me, too that the bonding with our new children didn't happen! I stood there with our now ’shattered and destroyed' family structure, thinking it was ALL ME and my fault, and wondered what I was doing wrong.
After about 2-3 month of M+G being with us, and my home and state of mind slowly had taken the appearance of an insane asylum, I found the courage to get help.
And yes, you adoptive Mom! I know you and if I ask you how you are doing with your newly adopted (older) child or children, and you answer with "Oh, were doing so well", you're either drowning yourself in blue pills or you are Jesus Himself and can, without any carnally human emotions, mercifully and gratefully love the ungrateful, unloving newly adopted child that just slammed the door in your face, because she got upset at you for not buying her a new 5th pair of shoes. Or how do you take it on day 23 of your newly adopted child being home, and after cooking another delicious and nutritious meal for your family (you already try to adjust your cooking to the new situation and cook very basic dinners), the new child turns up her nose and blast out "Disgusting, you know I don't like your cooking. You cook your food and eat yours, I cook mine later!" Yes, you keep your calm and nice, don't you?! Still doing fine newly adoptive mom?
We can be understanding and empathetic, but there comes a point when the best of us had enough of dealing with ungratefulness and no appreciation for all the work you put into your family. Older child adoption comes with a challenge, there's no way around it.
You may wonder "Why do they act like this?" You may even know they came from an economical very weak background and had minimal to nothing. The referral pic may show your adopted child in an over-sized dirty old dress, malnourished, bad skin, worn out high heels (oh yes she did at age 11ish), and yet, they seem to never be satisfied with what you have to offer to them. The 5 new pair of shoes, the cabinets stacked with new clothing, the ability to eat 4-5 meals a day, a roof over your head, a superb education....you name it, they get it and yet, you hear them complain, whine and ask for more.
Aren't we are the same way towards our Heavenly Father? He has given us so much, but we still complain, whine and ask for more. Yet, He loves us with mercy and grace.
Week 5 of "another older child adoption", I try to get gracefully and mercifully through another day.
None other time then throughout older child adoption, were my eyes opened that wide on how Jesus must sees us. The complaining, whining, unsatisfied, “have it all” me.
We then feel the slight urge (which we control), to blast: "Don't you see the circles under my eyes, I haven't slept in weeks", and things like, "I'm at my wits end in all this!", but we gracefully announce "Things are well here, how are you?"
As newly adoptive parents we feel obligated to inform you that things are ‘going great’. After all, we are humbled that our Lord had allowed us to adopt, children are a blessing from Him, and yet, we feel overwhelmed, discouraged, drained, frustrated....you name it, we are it.
If we do inform you (which barely happens, remember, we're grateful), about our real state of condition, we could easily live without those comments like, "Yeah, they come with a lot of baggage", "You wanted it that way", "Oh, you'll be able to manage", to well meant practical advice as " Well, just force her to wear that jacket, shoes, eat that food, etc", and "Be understanding and give it time". HAH!
Don't get me wrong, this entry is not meant to be a discouragement for prospective adoptive parents who think about adopting an older child, and interestingly most adoptive parents of older children go through something very similar, and things do settle after a year or so.
But as for now, we're on week 5 and far from 'the year mark that makes everything better'. I found out so, that talking to other adoptive parents that are in the same boat, to be like oil to the soul.
I mean, really, who understand better than the one who had been there and done it, or is currently faced with he same issues as you are.
Venting to another adoptive Mom, who was just told by her newly daughter, that her food was disgusting, the hair 3 hour AA-style she gave her stupid, or the clothing not good enough, even could make you giggle at the end of your conversation. Knowing you’re not alone and your situation is not all awkward and singular, gives this new period of adjustment a new perspective.
When we adopted M+G a year and a half ago, I didn't dare to talk or vent to other Adoptive parents of older children. I felt my situation was bizarre enough and by nature, I’m not a complainer.
Shame on me, too that the bonding with our new children didn't happen! I stood there with our now ’shattered and destroyed' family structure, thinking it was ALL ME and my fault, and wondered what I was doing wrong.
After about 2-3 month of M+G being with us, and my home and state of mind slowly had taken the appearance of an insane asylum, I found the courage to get help.
And yes, you adoptive Mom! I know you and if I ask you how you are doing with your newly adopted (older) child or children, and you answer with "Oh, were doing so well", you're either drowning yourself in blue pills or you are Jesus Himself and can, without any carnally human emotions, mercifully and gratefully love the ungrateful, unloving newly adopted child that just slammed the door in your face, because she got upset at you for not buying her a new 5th pair of shoes. Or how do you take it on day 23 of your newly adopted child being home, and after cooking another delicious and nutritious meal for your family (you already try to adjust your cooking to the new situation and cook very basic dinners), the new child turns up her nose and blast out "Disgusting, you know I don't like your cooking. You cook your food and eat yours, I cook mine later!" Yes, you keep your calm and nice, don't you?! Still doing fine newly adoptive mom?
We can be understanding and empathetic, but there comes a point when the best of us had enough of dealing with ungratefulness and no appreciation for all the work you put into your family. Older child adoption comes with a challenge, there's no way around it.
You may wonder "Why do they act like this?" You may even know they came from an economical very weak background and had minimal to nothing. The referral pic may show your adopted child in an over-sized dirty old dress, malnourished, bad skin, worn out high heels (oh yes she did at age 11ish), and yet, they seem to never be satisfied with what you have to offer to them. The 5 new pair of shoes, the cabinets stacked with new clothing, the ability to eat 4-5 meals a day, a roof over your head, a superb education....you name it, they get it and yet, you hear them complain, whine and ask for more.
Aren't we are the same way towards our Heavenly Father? He has given us so much, but we still complain, whine and ask for more. Yet, He loves us with mercy and grace.
Week 5 of "another older child adoption", I try to get gracefully and mercifully through another day.
None other time then throughout older child adoption, were my eyes opened that wide on how Jesus must sees us. The complaining, whining, unsatisfied, “have it all” me.
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