The Motions

 A sibling group of seven came available for adoption in my state last week. Ages 15-3. To look at them, you'd think they'd fit right in to my biological family. They would "match."

Seven.
Kids.

I need seven (more) kids like I need a hole in my head. Even if we did intend to have a baker's dozen when we were young and ignorant of how all consuming children can be.

The thing is: there are seven kids that need a mama.

It's not about me.
It never should have been about me.
I think that's what people don't get.

My child has been home with us for five months now and it has been a rough five months. Some, many, days we are like sandpaper to each other. It's been hard, hard, ridiculously hard, crazy hard, hard. And I have thought, more than once, What have I done to myself? I had a nice life. My kids all liked me and I finally had everyone eating my food (most of the time). Why did I think I needed to add another child who would clearly rather be living on the streets than with a woman who has rules, for pete's sake?

But this week, I again heard The Motions, like I've heard hundreds of time since it came out and I heard the words again like I heard them the first time when they struck me dumb and tearful. And I remembered....I remembered how empty I felt four years ago. How I would ask, Is this all there is to life? This self-serving, good Christian mom and wife, nothing remarkably different than the masses but Clean Livin', Scratch Cake Bakin', Bible Study Goin', Biblical Disciplinein', Don't Let Anyone Catch You Sinnin', unremarkable suburban lifestyle?

I was empty and I felt....nothing. The living dead.

This life we have chosen is HARD. In more ways than the adoption, but the adoption sure factors in. It HURTS. I cry. A lot. And I'm ANGRY. And people don't get it. They don't get me.

But this? This feels like a whole lot more something than the nothing I felt before. And on my hard days, when I hear The Motions and I want to throw my rolling pin at the radio and smash it to pieces because it pisses me off that I wasn't happy dead, when life was easy, I'm still glad we went for it.


The Motions, by Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Six Month Stats

I posted Blake's amazing 6 month stats here.

But lately I have been thinking about how the rest of us have changed in the past 6 months...so here's a rundown of what I've observed so far.

1. Leah has had more playdates at our house in the past 6 months than in her previous 6 years. 

2. Autum can take her diaper off all by herself with her pants still on.

3. Autum has developed some great arm muscles from working on her food-throwing skills at dinner, thanks to her big brother!

4. I have changed from a multi-sport endurance athlete to a sprinter.  Sprinting as in how many times I can get around the block running before the baby monitor sitting on the mailbox begins to light up and squall at naptime.

From a 12 Year Veteran

This isn't a secret thought, I've said it many times, but it stands to restated.

When I saw the above photo on Facebook this morning, it stopped me cold. I think my heart stpeed beating. I certainly lost my breath.

That, above, is my son. My firstborn son.

It kills me.