September 4, 2012

For This Child I Have Prayed

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me the petition I made of Him, but He forgot to give me any affection for her.
My husband seems to like her quite a lot, which is good. Every child should have a parent that thinks they are half as fabulous as they think they are, but which brings out the only emotion I can conjure up anymore:
I tell myself that his affection for her is a good thing. She needs more than a fake it till you make it parent. She doesn't know this. She thinks she doesn't need a parent at all. She likes having a cleaning lady. And a short order chef. She likes having a personal shopper and a credit card handy and if the only way she can get that is to take me along, she'll do it. But she has no need for a mom. She did just fine before I came along, thankyouverymuch.
The thing is, I'm not over fond of only being useful to her. Particularly when I fail her and present her something hideous to eat like steak or garlic biscuits or double chocolate muffins.
God forbid I serve anything but plain old bread and the occasional strawberry. One. No more than one. Good Lord, why would I serve three, or a bowlful?
She shrugs off my hugs and she shrugs off my gifts and she shrugs off my food and if I do her hair, she immediately leaves the room and redoes it.  She shrugged me off from day one. After the initial, "Wow, you really came for me?" life in her presence has been like hugging a cactus.
The rejection is killing me.
So I turned off my emotions and serve as if I am household staff, but I am noticing that this isn't particularly healthy or helpful, either.
The resentment builds.
I'm on edge from the moment she wakes until the moment she sleeps and when she is sleeping, I'm on edge that she will wake sooner than I'm ready to face her.
Today, for this child I have prayed that the Lord would fill me with love.
And Jesus? If you could make her like my baking, too, that would just be tops.

1 comment:

  1. YES! Exactly my story with our then 7-year old we adopted 1 1/2 years ago. Things DO get better although, this daughter of ours and I still haven't 'clicked' 100% (sadly). I vowed to care for her, pray for her and love her like a mother, but realized I can't 'force up' the mutual feeling and make her love me like a Mom. It may happen one day, it may not. I had to give it to the Lord and quit beating myself up about it. (please don't suggest a shrink anyone). Interestingly, we brought home her older sister just a few weeks ago and we 'clicked' right away, so it can't be completely me, lol. Now we deal with a second set of issues...younger sister is now jealous of older sister and the well working mother-daughter relationship we have. Oh, well, all I can do is keep on trucking and hope and pray that one day 'younger daughter' will jump on the 'family bandwagon' as well :-(
    Mel (mom to 9)